An Open Letter to My Late Night Texter

The other night some random girl started texting me, and bugged me until the wee hours of the morning. Why wouldn’t I just turn my phone off and sleep it off? Well, it was just too hilarious to pass up.

Here’s an open letter to that girl who just caused me to be late the next day. Someone suggested that I call her “Lassie” in this letter. Why? Your guess is as good as mine.

Dear Lassie,

Hello Lassie! I’m sorry for refusing to answer your calls, but I hope you’re doing fine. I know that I never told you my name despite texting me dozens of times, but I can guarantee that I’m not Chazty, or whatever the name is of that friend you probably think is playing a prank on you. Before our little missed call ridden relationship, I never even knew you, hell I don’t even know why you began to text me anyway.

Let’s make one thing clear, I don’t remember texting you first despite your claim that I initially sent you a message. It is possible that I have done something dumb to my phone (which I just got the same day), that I accidentally texted  you something I didn’t intend to. I did ask you what my first message was. All you said was I called you “Beh”. Sorry Lassie, but I don’t call anyone “Beh” besides some of my friends… in my dreams… and when they’re not around.

I would like to commend you for trying to call me so many times, no one besides my mom really shows that much enthusiasm to talk to me. When I woke up the next day, my cell phone happily informed me that I had 30 missed calls. 30 missed calls by “No Name” is better than no missed calls at all. Although you pretty much caused my phone to vibrate the whole night to the point of almost not having any power left, I still thank you.

You asked me why I could put your calls down so quickly. I’m sorry that I couldn’t tell you directly, but I really have no superpowers. I don’t have the power to drop your calls all night after one ring, but my phone has. Thanks to you I discovered the block feature of my phone, and now Ms. No Name will forever be stuck in my missed call list.

I would also appreciate if you would hide our little relationship from your boyfriend. He texted me once and asked me why I was texting his girlfriend. I hate to admit it, but I pissed my pants then and there. I hope we could keep this our little secret so that we could still exchange dozens of missed calls like lovers do.

Thank you Lassie for taking the time to read this heartfelt and somewhat confusing letter. I’m sorry if our communication was mostly one-sided, but please give me some time. I’m just not used communicating with strangers with too much time to spare.

With lots of love and little sleep,

OAB

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